A Beautiful and Messy Compilation

“Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside them was superior to circumstance.” -Bruce Barton

I am more than the circumstances of my life.

I am more than my mistakes.

I am more than my achievements.

I am a beautiful, sometimes messy, compilation of everything in my life…every experience, every person, every thing I’ve ever touched, and every thing that’s ever crossed my path….And I’m using it all as I continue to flow with this life.

Today was the last day at my job. I have no plan B, no backup plan, nowhere to report to on Monday. Moving forward marks the beginning of something new, even if I don’t know quite what that means just yet. I’m embracing the change, continuing to live with a wide open soul and trusting my head, but mostly, my heart to get me where I’m meant to be. I’d be lying if I told you there weren’t a few moments of panic, anxiety (read: over-eating gummy bears for self-comfort) or doubt….all of which have evaporated over the course of the last week.

Have you ever had the sensation of an out-of-body experience? Like….the things happening are so surreal they can’t possibly be true? This entire week has felt that way for me. The universe has spent the week telling me the decision I made was not only the correct one, but that it’s been a long time coming. I decided recently that living with an open heart and experiencing the things life has been trying to offer me can only enhance my journey. So I listened…I opened my mind and my heart to living outside of my circumstances, and began to trust instead of fear my journey. I began to see the things I’ve been missing and realized I’ve spent enough time living someone else’s truth and not my own. I can’t begin to explain to you what it means to be able to “trust my gut” and make decisions for my life based on what I think, feel, and believe to be true for ME. I’m taking the energy that’s been flowing through my life these past few months and harnessing it to become more…to live so big, and bold that there is no denying my path of truth. I will continue to be open, and kind and gracious…I’ll continue to spread the light and love that’s filling my soul so that others can see that being open and unafraid is one amazing way to live.

I will be so unapologetically me, there will be no denying my truth, my light, my life. I’m taking this beautiful and messy compilation of life things and I’m becoming more of exactly who I’m meant to be, whatever that is.

Taking it back

I’ve been feeling like a total disappointment lately…in almost every facet of life. Job, relationship, friendship, family, fitness, self…I see so many other women doing, being, becoming the things in life I so wish were my story. Why? Why can’t I just be satisfied with where I am…Happy with the things I’ve accomplished, the parts of life that are SO good? Happy with my growth and journey? I compare myself to the women I see, especially the ones who get the time of the men I’m attracted to. In the words of a friend of mine, I’m like my Tacoma (aka Baby Truck) “a trusty, dependable gal with more miles than usual for my age, but in great shape, still going strong and beyond capable of the things I’m tested with”. I died when he compared me to my truck. He said “you’re not flashy Cass…you don’t have shiny paint, bells and whistles on the dash or fancy headlights, and sometimes, that’s what guys think they want. They want that convertible because its different…it seems fun, carefree, and it feels good to have the wind in your hair…until the top gets stuck down and you drive thru a fucking hail storm.” I’m not sure I completely followed his logic, but, comparison to my sweet ride aside, I appreciated what he was saying… “stop comparing yourself to other people, you are uniquely you and the people worth having in your circle will recognize that and appreciate you for it”. He’s right… I let others I interact with sometimes determine what I find good in myself…questioning whether or not I am enough and constantly wondering if I can be better.

When did I begin to let society and others determine my worth…my value…who and what I should consider successes or failures on my life path?

When did we start giving a shit about what other people think of ourselves and our lives?

Does it begin in childhood? When we’re watching the prince sweep the princess off her feet and they live “happily ever after”…real life is not a goddamned fairytale ladies. As much as we’d all love to find some version of “prince charming” he doesn’t exist. Men are just as confused and broken as some of us, and relationships take work, patience and recognition of the messy parts of life. There will someday, MAYBE be one who’s capable of meeting you on the bridge. The rest will just be lessons, both good and bad.

Does it become more engrained in middle and high school, as your awkward self tries to “fit in” with the mainstream…when you begin sacrificing more of the parts of who you genuinely seem to be, to become what it seems everyone wants you to be? When you become more aware of what you eat, exercise excessively and go on an endless “diet” because the cute boy sitting next to you stares at your stacked sandwich one day, and asked why you’re not eating a salad like the rest of the girls at the table. We start to become more aware of our bodies and what it means to be a “woman” …feeling the anxiety of certain sizes being acceptable, certain personalities being more desirable, and realizing where we “fall short” in both categories.

Maybe, it’s college, when you’re exposed to what seem like a million different contradictions daily. When you become overwhelmed with expectations to function as both an adult and student, keep a repectful GPA, work enough hours to pay your bills, figure out what you want to do with your life all while trying to find your person. Because at the end of the day, you’re supposed to settle down, have kids, and be a wife and mother while contributing financially to the household….wait…no…you’re supposed to become a successful “business woman”…no…an entreprenaur…no…a specialist in your field, that’s what that masters degree is for…no…work for a non-profit, that’s what will really give you the “feel goods” about life.

FUCK THAT….why can’t I be, do and become whatever it is that makes me happy? Why can’t I do what I love…what I’m passionate about? I’ve never felt like the path I’m on is the right one because I’ve always had so many people suggest to me what direction I SHOULD BE going. Enough of that bullshit. Enough of giving my opinion of my self-worth to others.

It’s funny how when you sit down to mentally purge things, sometimes you stop to wonder what parts of it should be filtered, less raw…less offensive to others. In the middle of writing this, a dear friend of mine shared a post on her own website, expressing her displeasure with very similar life things to what I’m currently battling. Her “dumpster fire” life post resonated SO MUCH with my own version of “WTF” right now, that I can’t help but wonder what it is that constantly makes strong, independent, intelligent, driven women question themselves and their life path. Go ahead and @me…self-love has been severely lacking lately, and the disappointment in myself for letting others determine my self-worth and self-love is raging thru my veins today. I AM strong, independent, intellegent and driven…I will not be sorry for recognizing my strengths and the strengths of the other amazing women in my life. I’ve spent enough time apologizing…for who and what I am, my strengths and weaknesses, my mistakes and outright failures. That has to end somewhere…and it ends with taking back the power I’ve given to others over my opinion of myself.

I lied…

When I said it didn’t hurt.

When I said I was strong.

When I told you it was fine.

I lied…

When I held you close and said it would all be okay.

When I looked in your eyes and felt like I was drowning but smiled anyways.

When I told myself it’s okay because it wasn’t real.

I lied…

Because letting someone in can, inevitably, destroy you.

I lied…

To save my heart from pain…I failed.

I failed you in lying.

It hurt.

I was weak.

It was not fine.

I failed myself.

It was not okay.

I was drowning with and without you.

It was real.

I failed myself in a hundred different ways.

I was in pieces.

My heart hurt.

I didn’t learn my lesson.

I lied….and I failed.

Now….now I grow.

Undefined

“I spend so much time trying to understand everything because there’s comfort in labels. I roll it over and over in my mind until I think I’ve made some sense of it. But maybe there are moments, relationships and emotions that aren’t meant to be defined- energy that can’t be explained with this dead language. Today, I’m giving myself permission to be confused; to sit in the unknown and practice the lost art of feeling.” -Brooke Hampton

How often do we assess things as we experience them and try to determine where they “belong” in our life? What box do we put these experiences in? I sometimes find myself more worried about what it is that’s happening, than just experiencing what’s in front of me. At times, it’s as though I NEED to know what something means…I have to understand what role it plays in my life. This is not to say I don’t experience things just to experience them, but sometimes, the need for things to have a purpose, label, meaning…a way for me to make sense of it…runs so deep I forget to just let go and be present….just feel what I feel, experience the moment and journey forward where ever the current flows.

As I reflect on how to just be present more, I think about where life has taken me lately and all of the amazing people and unforgettable experiences I’ve encountered.  I had the most amazing life experience on Saturday…I got to spend time with great friends, the ones who will sit with you in silence and appreciate you for who you are. I made fun new friends, the kind of people who share similar interests, passion for life, and a love of bluegrass. I sat and drank a beer with a beautiful soul named Suzanne who told me she thought I had amazing, soulful eyes as she held her beautiful 3 month old son and shared that she doesn’t think we comment enough on the things we find lovely about our fellow humans as we age. I told her I couldn’t agree more and we talked about why we’re (society) so afraid to share our depths of love and life with others. It was the kind of conversation that lifts your soul and reminds you of the light in the world around you. I spent Saturday in the moment…enjoying homemade cookies, my new favorite beer, bluegrass and made amazing connections with people I’ve never met before.

Saturday…I was living my best life.

There was no concern about what these people mean to me…what this event would become in my life…why the day evolved the way it did. There was only being present, enjoying the moment and allowing my soul to be open to new experiences. I started last weekend with a heavy heart, and a mind that just wouldn’t shut off….I ended the weekend with a clearer mind and heart full of light…I was recharged in a way I haven’t been in weeks. Leaving life moments undefined and just experiencing each joy for what it is has reminded me that life is what you make it, and mines pretty fucking spectacular.

Being Brave

“There are four things in this life that will change you. Love, music, art, and loss. The first three will keep you wild and full of passion. May you allow the last to make you brave.” -Erin Van Vuren

Love… can wreck you. I haven’t gotten a chance to experience much of it…but each time I have, it’s left me broken and longing for the real deal…believing that perhaps my person isn’t out there. Maybe “alone” is the end destination of this path.

Music… can heal you. It makes the world seem right. It’s my lifeline on a rainy heart day, my added stoke on adventure days and the outlet for my anxious soul when I’m just not sure, but I’m gonna do it anyways.

Art… is an expression of life. It’s some aspect of life that has been artistically given for my heart to connect to. Be it paintings, sketches, tattoos, murals, written words…art has left me the ability to express those deeper moments in life and come out feeling open, raw…and ready for a new chapter.

Loss… gives perspective. Loss teaches you things you didn’t know you needed to understand about life. Loss is a reminder… we get this one life, so what are we doing with it? Loss gives us opportunity to reflect and leave fear behind. Loss can make us BRAVE.

Brave… that word holds so much promise, doesn’t it?

Brave means we’re ready to face more uncertainty. It means we’re courageous (or trying to be)…. we’re ready to suffer further, if we must, to get to where we want to be. Becoming brave means you’ve experienced loss. You’ve lost things, people, maybe a little of who you are. My losses have forced me to pick up lots of broken pieces and work on putting them back where they “belong”…They’ve forced me to become brave. My losses have left me with gaping holes where nothing seems to fit anymore. Should I find things that fit? Or is it okay to leave these spaces empty? Some days, I think they’re better empty….but those are the days my heart doesn’t feel like sharing its light. Most days, I look for things that fit the patchwork fabric of my life and fill what’s feeling the most empty that day. Most days, I simply work on being brave.

Being brave moved me across the country to put my roots somewhere my soul is happy.

Being brave will be me continuing to love from the depths of my soul, believing that there is someone out there waiting to show me why I was wrong to ever believe I’d be better off without love, and alone.

Being brave will be me continuing to dance to the beat of my own drum, creating my own life soundtrack.

Being brave will be me continuing to share my art, my words, my light with all of you.

Being brave will be what allows my passion for life to be shared with those around me.

Brave is what I’m trying to become….and my life will be so much better for it.

A Glimpse of Clarity

An amazing friend sent me this last night:

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” -Hafiz (of Shiraz)

How lucky we are that the speeding freight train of life slows enough to give us the occasional glimpse of beauty and clarity. I have some pretty amazing people in my life. That post came at a moment I was sitting in tears, trying to figure out how to better set boundaries, process frustration and handle this heavy heart of mine. After my uncle’s unexpected death last week, I’ve been doing even more self-reflecting than normal (how is that even possible, right? As I seem to live in my head too much some days….) I’ve had a tough time explaining how I’m feeling…I can’t properly communicate what I’m thinking or feeling to anyone who’s asked. I just can’t seem to find the right word…”Lost” keeps swimming around up there, but it’s just not quite how I feel. How do you even begin to explain what your version of grief feels like? What it looks like in your mind? There are so many aspects of this loss that I’ve tried dealing with, minimizing and rationalizing away. I kept thinking I needed to just be… stronger… that’s what would get me through. I thought if I kept myself preoccupied, busy, focused on anyone or anything else, I’d eventually work my way to the other side.

But darkness settled in my heart, and I felt more weakness and negativity than I’ve known in a very long time. I couldn’t make sense of anything…I wasn’t able to logically think anything through. Everything was riddled with raw; frustrated emotion…all the grief brought weakness, and I let negativity into every aspect I’ve been frustrated with and trying to work through in my own life. I kept thinking…How? Why? Both questions that likely won’t get answers I’m willing to accept.

These feelings have left me with so much guilt….I’ve scolded myself for feeling so angry and dark…I have too much to be thankful for to let those feelings take over. But….Grief has become a teacher, and a good reminder that in darkness there can be both lessons and enlightenment. Dark times remind you why the good you do have in life has such a positive impact on your soul… on your being. Negativity reminds you that optimism will carry you far, but being aware that there are “shitty parts of life” keeps you honest on that journey. Grief has reminded me that strength takes on many different forms, and sometimes, just feeling …just being in those really hard moments and living those difficult emotions is exactly what strength looks like that day. But, most importantly, this loss…this…well, whatever this feeling I have is, has reminded me that I’m still here. I still have this pretty amazing life I get to live, and I get to choose how to continue to live it. I can allow grief, negativity and darkness to take over, or I can continue to be a source of light…for my own life, and in others. I feel bad at times, that I’m still so “sad”, that there is still some darkness left in my heart…but I’m giving myself more time and allowing what I feel to just be. It’s okay to allow pain, sorrow, pessimism… all of those “negative” emotions into your life…they have both value and meaning…as long as you remember that their “positive” counterparts; joy, happiness, optimism…are just as, or more important for growth, substance and constant forward progress.

 

The Price of Admission

“Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” -Susan David

 

Your heart asks “why”?

You head answers “because, you don’t get to decide”

Whether or not you are loved…

Should you let go, when everything is telling you to just ride it out?

Finding your way…

On what seems to be your path.

Is it you, or circumstance alone?

Your timing has always been wrong,

Will it ever be right?

Time…

Time is the only thing that can tell you that.

Don’t pretend to be something you’re not…even if you want to.

Keep dancing…to your own songs.

Keep living life…with your own rhythm.

Keep loving…from the depths of your soul.

Never stop being so you, that everyone you meet kinda falls in love with who you are.

You…are more than enough.

Embrace your discomfort…own your fear…believe your worth.

 

 

Breathe

Flaking the rope, finding balance

Harness on…rack up

Double check the guidebook…re-count the draws

Lace the shoes, Helmet snug, Tie in

Sweaty palms….shallow breaths….

*BREATHE*

Close your eyes…

Clear. Your. Mind.

*BREATHE*

Partner checks…

Double backed, knots good…carabiner locked and loaded

Belay is R-E-A-D-Y

Are you??

Stare up at the route…access the risk…find the moves

Chalk up….

*BREATHE*

“Climbing!”

Remember to have fun

Crimp, sloper…high right foot

Move up….keep climbing

Back-step, toe in, stand up tall….first bolt

Quick draw in, rope in…

*BREATHE*

Climb on

Losing balance

Your foot slips

5 feet to your next bolt

Heart pounding in your chest

Sweaty palms, anxious

Looking around for better feet

Pebble on the left

Edge hard, crimp harder

Stand up

*BREATHE*

Right smear, side pull

Stand up

*BREATHE*

Quickdraw in, rope in…

*BREATHE*

Climb on

Feeling stuck

Nowhere to go

Mind racing, heart pounding

You can see the chains

Forearms burning, legs quivering

Tiny ledge, right toe finds the sweet spot, stand up

*BREATHE*

JUG…YES!

REST, BREATHE

Center.

Clear. Your. Mind.

Left smear, crimp

Move up

SO CLOSE

Fatigue. Sweat.

Power through.

You’re losing your grip…

20 foot whipper

Initial panic

Then…

Sheer fun

Disappointment. Laughs. Frustration. Happiness.

Smiles

Get back on.

Fix the sequence.

Send.

Climbing. Is. Life.

Over The Edge

As I was reading last night, I came across this quote:

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved.” -William Jennings Bryan

Reading this makes me uncomfortable… since I’m feeling exceptionally stuck on the edge of: “if it’s meant to be, it will be” and “if you want it, go get it”. I’ve been giving myself an out when the effort I’ve put into something isn’t what it should be… and putting the idea of unattainable things into a place that suggest their failure is “beyond my control”. Having to realize that perhaps there is no “meant to be” ….only some version of “I made it happen”….is hard.

Waiting is HARD.

Transitions…are HARD.

Change…is…HARD.

Life…can be hard. But this life? It’s so worth the effort. Deciding on who you’ll be, where you’ll go…it’s magical and oh SO powerful. To know that you have control of exactly where you are in this moment of time and every decision, thought, conversation, action…ALL of your experiences…everything impacts this moment moving forward. This is the process every day and in every way.

Is there some kind of fate in destiny? A driving force that lies beyond your control? I’d love to think so. I want to believe that the hardships I’ve experienced, the tough parts of life weren’t all my own doing. I want to think that my failures aren’t simply my inabilities, but some pre-determined path that is not mine to explore. I want to believe that the worst parts of life are designed as lessons we MUST experience to truly make us appreciate the really good stuff.

But….they’re probably not.

They’re simply the culmination of our decisions…our thoughts…our actions…the good ones, and the not-so-good ones. The good stuff, the not-so-good stuff, and all the in-between is a sliding scale of choices and achievement. It’s time to step over the edge of chance and into the knowledge that choice defines destiny and I’ll be out living for it instead of waiting on it.