A Self-Rising

Good morning world.

Let’s talk, shall we?

Self-reflection always seems easy to discuss, but harder to *actually* do. We live in an age of instant access, constant gratification and non-stop stimulation. “FOMO, YOLO, influencers, find your best self”…..triggering anxiety, guilt, shame, fear…ENOUGH.

Find your best self?! Can we just be. What the hell does “best self” even mean? This self we seek..is it a past self? A future self? What if the self of today is our “best self”? Is our seeking just a part of our being?

Exhausting.

How do you sit and share the depths of struggle without minimizing others’ experiences? I’m sitting in the truths I’m living and sharing a perspective….

I’m a constant seeker of self-harm.

I’ve spent the better part of my adult life hiding behind drugs and alcohol, diets, cycles of self-harm, toxic relationships, and constant self-doubt. My strategy of self-sabotage; comparison to others and who I SHOULD be….who I’m SUPPOSED to be in the world around me. It’s been almost two and a half years since I’ve gotten sober and life’s not one bit easier today than it was the day I had my last drink, my last diet pill, my last 5 hour gym session. It’s not easier. It’s better.

No one thinks it will happen to them. I would never become dependent on substances to get me through my day. I would never punish my body for what my mind couldn’t comprehend. I would never let a stranger on the internet determine my self worth. I would not become a statistic that the people around me didn’t understand.

But I did. I also got really good at hiding it. The desperation that comes along with these cycles will push you to limits you didn’t know existed within you. The fear below the surface enough to keep driving your current stasis. The seeking of more, different, better… somewhere in these things I became dependent on, until they weren’t. Until the idea of freedom was a granule of hope amplified by a small stream of possible.

One step. A choice. Today; tomorrow might be different. But today…today we will not wait for the easy to happen, we will choose happiness in the stages of struggle.

Have things changed? The desperation still exists, but for different reasons. The stasis palpable enough to make you seek action now. The difference in the difficulty is the end result. I seek not my “best self”, a “different self” or a version of self others deem “worthy”, I seek only to be who I am. This self-rising within. I’m still seeking, I’m also just being.

The part about simply being, is the world around you shows you that you may not be “enough”…you may be “too much”…you might not live up to the “expectations” around you. The beauty in that, is it doesn’t truly matter. My existence is what it is and nothing more. How I choose to live that existence will forever be just one example of what a person and their mind is capable of.

We will go through versions, seasons and cycles of this self as we continue to simply exist…as we continue to just BE.

So….this “best self”, perhaps, it’s just who we are, and nothing more. Maybe, the idea isn’t so much about seeking difference as it is becoming difference. Coming into who we really, TRULY are. Evolving as life happens instead of forcing change through an idea of who or what someone else is and what we think is a better version of this self we’re living.

Change is inevitable, let that change be who YOU are and not a version to satisfy the world around you. If we must seek for more, seek a version that brings some happiness in every stage of struggle.

Seek to simply be YOU.

Addiction …. A Final Piece

More like something “I deserved”

Addiction was my escape. For some, they try to escape the daily grind and anxiety or depression. For others, every aspect of life as they know it. I needed to escape from my reality. Addiction let me escape from perceived failures, actual failures, pain, dreams…everything. I knew what I was doing but couldn’t help myself. I was on exactly the path I believed I deserved to be on. The reality was, even then, I knew it wasn’t really letting me escape from anything. It was a veil, a bandage, a curtain I could draw when I didn’t want to face life. It was a temporary lapse in feeling, dealing and healing.

I hated myself…but I loved the punishment that ensued. I deserved to be unhappy. I deserved to live a life of shame. I deserved all the bad things that were happening or would happen. I deserved this path of self-destruction. I’d spend hours calculating caloric intake and calories burned, and exercise away the bad decisions of the night before. It was just another form of my addiction. Everything in life that seemed positive or possible was because of my addiction. If I quit, how could I possibly be who I am? THIS IS WHO I AM. I would tell myself this everyday.

Addiction helps you believe everything you never wanted to know or think about yourself. It brings different truths, then convinces you to bury them with just one more drink, the next party, the bar at the end of that REALLY long day. You DESERVE to have a drink. You DESERVE to party and let loose. You DESERVE to forget the bad. Drink away the pain, frustration and conversations you’ve had in your head a million times. It didn’t matter, because it didn’t hurt anyone, except me. Until it didn’t.

They say you can never take things back, so instead of wishing I could change it, I choose to live my life differently now. All I can ever do is apologize…. but it seems empty in comparison to the hurt I know I’ve caused people in my life. Choosing everyday to wake up and live a life of sobriety is my promise to those I love, that I love myself and will never take my opportunity to be on this beautiful planet for granted again.

I dream not of fixing the past, or knowing the future, but of living the best for today. The problem is, I don’t know what that “best” is anymore. I’m still afraid to find out in sobriety, if who I am…who I WANT to be, is possible. When I found a way to fight my addictions, I quit everything else, in fear that I was, in fact, an imposter. What if who I was, wasn’t really me? What if all those things I loved to do were just another part of my addiction? What if I couldn’t be that person anymore without drugs and alcohol?

I guess, maybe, it’s time to find out. It’s time to stop hiding and living in fear. It’s time to see if under those addictions, the Cassie I believed myself to be, is still a flame ready to ignite this soul of mine on fire. So, here’s to sobriety, and waking up everyday, choosing to feel the good, and, the bad.

Let the real adventure begin….

Addiction… Part 1

What a simple, and scary word. There are so many implications in it. It’s negative in connotation, no real favorable light to be given to it. Sometimes we talk about “healthy” addictions, like exercise, diets, reading. The thought being these activities or things are better than their alternatives. And while that may be, an addiction is still an unhealthy habit. In my opinion, there really can be no “healthy” addictions. To be addicted to something implies an inability to stop doing, using, or obsessively dedicating time to something. Be it a drug, a person, a thing, a substance of any kind. I’ve spent a lifetime in a cycle of addictions. These have ranged from eating, to drinking, to substance abuse. Cycling from these unfavorable addictions to “healthy” addictions in working out, diets, and perceivable “hobbies”. The problem never ending, only swinging from one version of addiction to another…sometimes, often, overlapping. An inability to process things triggering a massive swing in another direction. Getting to the root of the problem seemed like too much work. Addiction was choosing my life path for me and I was happily allowing it. It was easy. It only affected me, so it didn’t matter what happened… As long as I wasn’t hurting others, what did my addictions matter in the scheme of life? Everyone has them, right?

Always, somewhere, in the back of my mind a reminder that I still had a choice. I could free myself from this “self-destruction” that felt less like something wrong, and more like something I deserved.

*I want to point out, that I had and still have the capacity to understand and assess these things given my extreme privilege and access to health care and mental health professionals. This is not the case for SO MANY.

Changing Tides

Leave it to me to finally prioritize my writing and my #dowhatmakesyoursoulhappy during a damn pandemic. It makes sense though…that I find focus in the chaotic and challenging time we’re all facing. My brain in a somewhat systematic ping of “here, there, back here, over there, spin in circles, jump through this hoop” my entire life has proven additional value as of late. My ideas are flowing, passions are rekindling. I’ve been missing this excited and passionate side of myself….I left her somewhere in the darkness of my addictions, forgetting she was just as important as the rest of my being.

As some of you know, I’ve been living a sober lifestyle for the last 15 months (as well as plant-based!). It’s been more challenging than I thought it would be (more of this story and it’s details in another post) and I’ve been in hiding. You see, when you make big life changes on your own, uprooting most of what your life has become, sometimes, you spiral out of control. But, it’s a controlled, “out-of-control”. You feel like you’ve got this, like things are okay, today is hard, but tomorrow will be better. And some days (most days it seems) you quickly realize you don’t “got this” and you’re not sure where to turn next. It’s similar to dealing with an addiction. You find a new system that works, and you don’t dare stray from it. To be completely honest, I’ve been using this as an excuse. I was so tired of trying to keep this facade going that I just quit. Quitting was easier than changing, or trying anything else. I quit climbing, I quit my workout programs, I quit being creative, I quit reading, writing, journaling…I quit dreaming. Of course….I would dream, I would talk about these things I “wanted to do” things I thought were cool…but I had no intentions of acting on them. The effort seemed too much, the fear of failure and what spiral might happen next kept me from life. It kept me small, and afraid, and defensive. It kept me, from me.

We all go through these times of trial and hardship. Be it internal (conflict over something) or external (insert Global Pandemic). These trials are whatever we choose to make them. I wish I could say mine was growth, but it wasn’t. It was fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of who I was allowing myself to become, fear of losing the part of myself that I had worked so hard to bring to light. So I’ve been at these cross-roads for the last 6 months. I have all these thoughts racing in my mind and I’m slowly allowing my brain to expand and grow, dreams and ideas that I’ve had draped in fear are slowly peeking into the light. But that fear…oh that fear.

Tracy and I were out and about almost a year ago to this day (April 10th) and we found this awesome sticker that said “Choose to Feel”. It’s taken me a year, but I think I’m finally figuring out pieces of what it means to me. I’m choosing to feel that fear, but I also choose to allow it to define me in different ways, not to slow me, or to stop these dreams and ideas. These goals and dreams and ideas that I’ve had, it’s okay if they don’t work out, or if they do (fear of success is a real thing yo). #choosetofeel whatever it is that comes your way, process it, and allow it to live in whatever parts of you that you can without allowing it to slowly take from you.

All this to say, that, all that matters in the end is #dowhatmakesyoursoulhappy.

And on that note, just feel what you feel. There is no wrong way to “do” this pandemic. (Unless of course, you’re hurting others, than maybe re-evaluate your situation.)

Until next time y’all….

Listening Ears

When the universe speaks, are you listening? Are you so absorbed in what you desire that when it presents itself in another form, you slam the door in its face? I think we’re often so absorbed in yesterday and tomorrow, that we forget about today. We forget that wherever we are is in fact…WHERE WE ARE. The problem then becomes, what we do with where we are?

Is this space you’re in stagnant? Are you happy there? Are you mostly happy there? What changes do you desire? Why? How do you make those happen?

It’s overwhelming.

What if we just stop and breathe? What if we become so unfocused on what we wish for, that we could enjoy the where we are? What if each day we wake with an intention to do better than yesterday…even if it’s just in one small way? What if we change that intention over time to incorporate just a little bit more compassion…a little bit more love…a little bit more YOU. What if your intention is really the universe and you aligning to finally become all of who YOU are meant to become.

The universe knows whats up, I trust that more than ever. My soul wants to feel defeated and sad today. Things are uncertain and hard and my heart is torn between wanting to give up and wanting to fight. But I keep fighting. I will always keep fighting. I will continue to wake up each day with the intention to be better than yesterday…to do better than yesterday, even if it’s just a little, even if it’s just for me.

Are you listening to the universe? Why keep fighting it friend? Welcome it in with loving arms…and maybe, just maybe, it’ll all be just fine. Maybe you’ll finally recognize that you are EXACTLY where you are, and that’s a totally amazing thing all in itself.

Toska

Sitting in silence

Tears can’t flow

Sadness overwhelms the heart

Mourning love you may never know.

Loneliness stings

Emptiness fills

From the depths of the soul

Toska spills.

Ghost

Dead of night

I woke with a start

You’re nowhere in sight

Just a ghost in my heart

Sunshine & Sadness

My beautiful friend Erika gave me a tiny English Ivy plant when I moved. It’s still in the cutest little clay pot she handed it to me in outside of Bob’s bar as we hugged and said tearful goodbyes. I’ve diligently watered it and given it light…checking it carefully every few days to make sure it’s doing well. Today I realized it doesn’t seem to really be growing. It’s still vibrant and green with beautiful unique leaves stretching toward the ceiling…but it seems to be exactly the same it was when I brought it here 7 months ago. It’s not dead, which I honestly worried about most…but, it’s spindly, and in need of a little extra TLC.

Today… I realized…I’m basically my Ivy plant.

Yep…I said it. I feel like a damn plant. Ok…ok…maybe not a plant. But I’m feeling very much like how I’ve taken care of my plant is exactly how I’ve been taking care of myself. Thinking I knew how to grow this plant, going through all the same steps I would for every other kind of plant I have, because you care for them all exactly the same way, right?! NO…every plant is not exactly alike, some need extra sun, some need none…some need lots of water, some very little. I realized, I really have NO IDEA how to take care of an indoor ivy plant. Much like I have no idea of how to take care of myself right now. I quickly googled “growing English Ivy indoors” and realized I’ve actually been neglecting my plant….much like myself. Ivy needs LOTS of sunlight…mine gets sunlight, but not nearly enough. Ivy needs to be fertilized with specific fertilizer certain times of the year…other times of the year, to fertilize would be detrimental and could potentially kill the plant. Who knew?? Maybe you did…maybe you’re a master gardener…or ivy specialist. I, did not know. Just like I don’t know the best way to care for myself some days. I’ve been practicing the same routine here as I did in Ohio. Stay busy, find activities you like, fill your soul up…practice self love. Those ideas are all wonderful things…if you’re practicing them with intention and thoughtfulness. I always mean to…I always intend to be more present, practice patience, self-love, be more kind to myself, do things because I WANT to, not because I NEED or HAVE to…but honestly, I’ve not been successful. I’ve been filling my time, in several of the wrong ways. I sometimes feel like I HAVE to do something…or NEED to do it because what else am I going to do? I’ve been getting frustrated with myself often…when I rest, I feel like I’m wasting an opportunity to adventure…CO is the place to adventure, and I’m wasting it by sitting around being sad and feeling lonely. I’m not fertilizing my life in the right ways, and I’m definitely not allowing myself enough sun. I’ve planted myself in the shade, where I feel I deserve to be…and I’ve allowed a lack of self-love and doubt to fertilize my roots and slowly poison me.

A dear friend reminded me that you have to show up for yourself. I have to show up for me, just like I ask others to show up in my life. I need to figure out exactly what showing up for myself means each day….with the knowledge that it will be different from day to day, week to week and even month to month. Some days will need more sun, some more fertilizer, some darkness, some sadness and some rest. What I do know for sure, is that I want to be more mindful and choose how I spend each day…how and where I exert my energy…what environment surrounds me, and above all, what thoughts fill my mind. My thoughts create feelings, and in turn determine what direction I’m headed and where I’ll end up in the future. It’s time to find the sunlight again, fertilize my roots with positivity, intention and mindfulness. We all stumble, even when we have the best of intentions. It’s okay to sit in the shade sometimes…to feel the vibrations the universe is sending you. It doesn’t mean you have to live there…you can have both sunshine and sadness. Today I moved my Ivy plant to a sunny new location and decided that climbing and time with friends makes my heart happy. Tomorrow I find a good fertilizer to help my ivy grow best and find the right fertilizer for my own roots, whatever that may be.

“She paused on the journey and looked back at where she had come from. She saw the spots where she had stumbled and gotten up again. And she was able to see just how far she’d come and what an incredible traveler she’d become.” -Unknown

 

 

Alpine Grit

“Accept yourself as you were designed.” Rupi Kaur (Milk and Honey)

I’ve been feeling ever more restless. Today starts a full on attempt to get back into the swing of “life things”. Resting the foot has been PURE TORTURE for me. Physical activity is my outlet…my mental fatigue relief valve…the way I keep my thoughts from over-flowing into the dark corners I refuse to put light to. Resting forced me to light all those corners….resting forced me to feel deeper, think beyond the now, and let unhealthy things go that I’ve been holding onto.

It’s funny how you’ll tell yourself you have no expectations, then when things go wrong, you’re forced to be honest with yourself and realize in the here and now…that you’ve had expectations all along. I went into this alpine trip with what I thought were no expectations for myself. I just wanted to experience this new environment, learn some stuff, and have a great time with new and old friends. I had a climbing accident on day 2  that quickly changed the trajectory of the trip for me. (Don’t worry, it wasn’t super serious..if you want details, we’ll sit and have a beer.) I kept trying to stay positive, but knowing that I wouldn’t summit anything this trip…I wouldn’t get to climb anything else, my hiking would be limited, and I would spend a lot of time with my foot in the air made me feel so disappointed. I had spent months training for this trip. I was set to lead my first alpine trad route, and I felt SO READY. Sitting alone in a tent while everyone else adventured left lots of time for self-reflection. I felt sad…so sad that I wouldn’t be doing some of the epic things I had planned to do. Glad…I was so thankful that my foot wasn’t worse…I didn’t lose any limbs, I didn’t need to be rescued…I was able to walk away from the accident with minimal injury and no one else was hurt. Guilt…I felt so guilty for feeling so MAD. I was angry at the situation, myself, the universe…WHY…WHY did this happen. I had taken all the precautions….I had prepared so much for this…it’s like all of my hard work was snatched away from me in a 30 second rock fall. I cried…the disappointment I felt was soul crushing. I shed big, ugly tears and told myself I was selfish and silly. I could still walk, and I’d still get to hike and watch the sunset in some of the most beautiful country I’ve seen yet…I was experiencing the alpine, an environment that many people never have the opportunity to explore. Turns out, I had more expectations for myself on this trip than I was willing to admit.

I realized this weekend, as I was watching the sunset over the mountains, that the trip was more to me than just a trip away with friends. I felt like I had something to prove with this trip…to myself…to others. I’d just recently left my job…I had applied for a position with a non-profit that would change the trajectory of my life, and in all of this, the trip was my chance to prove to myself I could do anything- changing career paths included. I felt like if I were successful on this trip…everything that I was trying to do in life that was so different from any other direction I’ve ever gone…would follow suit. It was my benchmark…the “if I can make this successful, I can make anything successful” point. And I failed. I failed because rocks break, and you have zero control over that happening. Just like my life right now… I have zero control over what the board decides on an applicant. I have zero control over others and their feelings. I have zero control over the outcome of most things changing in my life right now. I kept thinking if I could just make things successful, if I worked harder, prepared more…the end result would be exactly what I wanted. The funny thing about life is…it happens. It happens no matter what you do to prepare, how hard you work, or what you do to make change happen. You can control your inputs, and your reactions, but at the end of the day…things will ultimately become what they are meant to become.

When I look back, I realize that the things I learned on this trip are even more valuable to me than a summit of my first alpine trad lead would have given me. I learned on this trip, that I have more grit (Hal called it Moxie) and determination that I knew it was possible for me to possess. I learned that when I’m faced with something I never thought I’d possibly have to deal with, I can adapt, learn and overcome. I learned that when your heart and your head work as one, it doesn’t matter what you’re facing, you’ll get through. I learned that embracing yourself as who and what you are is the be-all-end-all for every life situation. I learned that change is happening and I cannot completely control where that change lands me… leaving life feeling a little uncomfortable right now.

At the end of each day I remind myself how lucky I am to be chasing my dreams and as long as I embrace all of who I am, my failures and my success will be whatever I chose to make them.